Flickering candles

Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.  -- St. Augustine

In the not so distant past, I went to visit one of my favorite cemeteries in Pirita.  I'd only been there once before, but that was accompanied by a friend who simply pointed out a few plots before we left.  This time, I went alone of my own initiative.  I had returned because during my visit years before, I experienced a mysterious energy and calmness that drew me back.

The Pirita district lies within Tallinn’s boundaries, only a 10 - 15 minutes by bus from this Estonian capital. When you discover Pirita, you nearly forget the bustle of Tallinn.  You're suddenly embraced by a dense, pine forest, refreshing sea air and, a renewing peace and tranquility. It's a place that has the power to enable you to stand back and perceive your life in different ways.

So, I was drawn to explore Tallinn's famous cemetery, Metsakalmistu, officially opened in 1939. Among its most famous permanent residents are Estonia’s first president, Konstantin Päts, writers Lydia Koidula and Anton-Hansen Tammsaare, chess player Paul Keres, composer Raimond Valgre and singer Georg Ots. At the time of my second visit, I wasn't especially interested in visiting celebrity graves, but I had heard these people had been buried in the idyllic place.

I rode an empty bus from another era. I was the only passenger to exit across from the cemetery. Apart from that, a peasant woman in simple clothes and kerchief caught my attention. She stood motionless beside a folding white table covered in candles. I assumed she was the caretaker's wife. A small, wooden home stood closeby. I smiled at her plump, solemn face and crossed the unpaved street to enter the cemetery grounds. I carried no map. I had no planned itinerary. I simply intended to stroll and explore. The different levels of plots fascinated me with their small sets of steps. The setting reminded me of an Escher painting or a kind of dream. As birds sang and fluttered above, I felt surrounded by an enchanted garden full of life.

Looking back, what was rather extraordinary was how I felt drawn in a certain direction. My legs were receptive. I became open to new kinds of awareness and no other people were in sight.   I gazed up at the pine roof and heard the wind whispering things I couldn't quite make out. Still moving forward, I admired epitaphs and unique, stone masonry. I also passed a brick structure and approached an area of plots sheltered behind it.  A sign indicated these people were recognized by government for their contributions to society.  

A stronger pull drew me to walk through the rows to bring me face to face with the tombstone of a man I realized was my great grandfather.  I hadn't known he was buried there.  I remembered having been told that he was an Olympic soccer coach and much respected. Just then, I noticed a candle flickering out by my feet. I wondered who had placed it there since my great grandfather had died nearly 30 years before.

My instinct was to retrace my steps to the lady with the folding table.  She stood precisely where I had seen her before.  I chose one of her largest, white candles, paid her and returned to my great grandfather's grave.  I stared at it for a while and listened to silence before I took a photo.

Perhaps this experience deepened my relationship with a spiritual side that strengthens my inner guidance.  I pay closer attention to my dreams and often gain new insight into myself. Over time, I've learned the more I recognize the power of my dreams in waking life, the more willing I am to stop looking at circumstances logically. We can decide what is possible by way of thoughts and feelings.Some people claim to only believe what they see. My own life teaches me that believing enables me to see the positive results of what I attract.

Mysterious, helpful strangers

Who are those people who seem to appear just when we need assistance and then disappear back into the woodwork? You hear about roadside rescues on abandoned highways, people who offer you that extra amount of money you need for the parking meter or grocery bill when a line of impatient peole give you the evil eye.  You may perceive these as good fortune or godsends.  Yet, could these incidents be more than that, gestures which renew your faith in people and your sense of hope about your future?

I recall a time when I lived in France.  I was returning home late at night by the Champs Elysees metro and walking down the road alongside Le Grand Palais museum.  I came across a homeless man on a bench whom I hadn't seen before. I was familiar with another homeless man whom I saw regularly near my place and offered him fresh fruit or whatever food I had. This wasn't him. 

The man on the bench wore simple clothes and said things to me which captured my attention.

"You know what you need to do.  Your place isn't here because..." and he proceeded to tell me intimate details about my life which still baffles me to this day.  His eyes were a deep blue and reflected genuine compassion.  He went on that what I was doing wasn't what I was meant to do.

"You'll be leaving soon, " he said, though his sense of time might've been different than mine.  "Your life is unfolding somewhere else."

From the moment he started speaking to me, it appeared that time stood still. I sat beside this friendly stranger and listened to him tell me that my sense of success at the time was somehow misdirected. He told me a fable and then asked me if I wished him to read my palm.  I nodded.

"All I need is a bit of salt," he replied.  I explained that I lived nearby and would go fetch some.  I scurried off, passing the familiar homeless man asleep around a corner behind the refuse bin. When I returned to the bench with the salt, the man from under the streetlamp was gone.

I never have gotten that experience out of my mind.  His kind words still echo in my head.  That mysterious, helpful stranger was very accurate in his assessment of my life at that time.  When I've mentioned this experience to a handful of people, they suggest I must've been dreaming.  Perhaps I was visited by another angel who was offering me the chance to redefine my sense of success.  I read between the lines of our brief conversation and listened to my heart. He was like a sounding board in passing which resonated feelings in my conscience. It wasn't long before I did leave France. Low and behold, my life took very different and exhilarating turns. My view of success today is very different. I moderate extreme passions and listen to my inner soul.

Listen to Angels

If you wish to know inner peace, I encourage you to listen to angels. Now, before you begin to question where I'm coming from, and if I'm 'all here,' I'll share two stories with you which changed my life.  They reveal how angels appear and assist you when you least expect it.

One fine June day, when I was 12, I was riding my bike home from school. I was delighted to have this ten speed with curled handlebars.  I liked the freedom I felt as I coasted fast.

As it was, I had had some change in my pocket. When I was descending a hill alongside the wavy, Kennebecasis River, I thought I heard some change hit the ground.  My instinct was to pull the brake, stop and retrieve it. Unfortunately, I pulled the front brake only and went face first into the concrete. Rather than brace my fall, my arms flew backwards. So much for the bright, sunshine yellow t-shirt and yellow jeans. No wonder my favorite color became orange?

Although I had this accident in a residential area, nobody was around. I was screaming in agony because I had shattered my septem and completely flattened my nose. Yet, it seemed no person heard me. How could everyone be out at the same time? Curiously, there were no cars on the road. Call it the twilight zone or a crash course in inter-dimensional travel.

Just when I was about to faint from loss of blood, I thought I saw an old brown car drive over the hill.  I slumped down beside my bent bicycle and the brown car actually stopped beside me. Two men with Mexican t-shirts and dark curly hair got out and approached me. They asked me if I was okay and I think by that point, all I could manage was a nod.  They picked me up and put me in the back seat of their car.   These strangers drove me directly to the emergency department of the regional hospital.  We passed no cars on the road. I knew as I hovered over my body. They took me inside and then drove away. Thanks to them, I had surgery to replace the blood and to reconstruct my nose.  My parents tried to find out who those men were.  My parents were grateful. Yet, the men appeared out of nowhere and we were never able to find them.  They left no trace. Looking back, maybe it was my own real-life version of Highway to Heaven? To me, they were angels and I'm very grateful.

Another story I wish to share with you took place in 1996. After initial university experiences, I had prepared for French medical school. I realize now I almost compromised my creative gifts to pursue a career that wasn't really for me. I also almost decided to pursue a personal life which did nothing to stimulate my imagination or nourish my soul. 

Then, it happened.  At dusk, during the first light snowfall of the season, I left the hospital where I was a volunteer in the emergency. I strained to focus on a windy, forest road, and unexpectedly skidded along black ice around a blind corner.

From that moment, my life flashed in front of me.  As I turned the bend, I glimpsed 3 oncoming cars and an 18-wheeler transport truck careening down the steep incline toward me in the passing lane. Like a bad dream, I was headed straight for them.  Try as I did to use defensive driving skills, I found I had no control over the steering. The brakes were also useless in slippery conditions.

The car slid alarmingly across the median into the other lane, yet curiously swerved back with a jolt to hydroplane off the road. The passenger side collided with snow-covered birch trees that snapped and destroyed the outer door. The frenzied impacts caused the passenger side airbag to deploy.

I wasn't sure if I dissociated, or if I saw a flash, but I felt some force took control of my car. It propelled forward.  This collision with the passenger side of the car was like a godsend.  It took just enough time for the oncoming traffic to pass.   As if on cue, my car crossed the median behind the 18-wheeler and went directly into the ditch on the opposite side of the road and to collide with a telephone pole.  The driver's side airbag deployed and smoke oozed out of the remains of the engine. 

Just as the ambulance and firetruck arrived, I managed to emerge from the car. Against the advice of bystanders, I rushed back to rescue a research project from the back seat. The EMTs insisted I be taken to emergency to get checked over. When I arrived on the gurney, colleagues thought I was playing a trick on them until the police followed in behind. After all, I had left my volunteering responsibilities there less than 15 minutes before.

In the end, the car was a right off, yet, I emerged unscathed.  At first, all I could think about was the car (it was my dad's).  Hindsight helps me see my survival is more important.  This led me to rethink my personal and professional choices at that point in my life.  I intuitively made new decisions which led me to take advantage of overseas opportunities in other fields.

To this day, I am aware an angel took control of my car during that snowfall in order that I would step back and change the direction of my life. I still regularly feel the presence of angels.  I appreciate divine beings help me to broaden my horizons.  Stepping back, I recognize I had been ignoring my true self. Now I continue to prioritize creative visions that empower and inspire.  A recent bumper sticker told me I'm "protected by angels" and a girl next to me on the bus today was wearing a t-shirt that read "angels are watching you." 

Grace

Grace comes free of charge to those who don't deserve it.  It comes in the form of goodwill or a generous disposition.  It can seem like indulgence or mercy when we're resentful or full of negative energy.  If you have a spiritual side, and believe in God, then you believe that God's love comes free of charge with no strings attached, no matter what you do.  Whether your friends and family react the same way is debatable. I think many people have been conditioned to accept their lot in life without realizing there is always light at the end of the tunnel, something positive within reach. 

 For example, I read about a woman in Boston who surprised a lot of homeless people in the early 1990s.  When her fiance backed out on their wedding and she couldn't get the deposit back on the banquet, she thought back to her time 10years before spent in a homeless shelter.  Rather than be upset about a lack of refund, she send banquet invitations to shelters and gave homeless people a champagne and chicken cordon bleu banquet.  Imagine their sense of a pleasant surprise! Those strangers who look out for us in unexpected ways are like guardian angels.  That's grace.

Consider forgiveness can be an unnatural act for people who struggle not to form grudges.   It's human instict to desire to 'get even'  when someone does you wrong.  If a date stands you up, you may secretly hope someone returns the favor in the future.  If your boss fails to respect you or treat you with respect, you may secretly hope the boss gets what he deserves.  If an adversary takes advantage of you while you're down, you may hope Forces beyond you even the score.   

Yet, people enter our lives to remind us success and peace of mind can't be founded on revenge.  In the story of Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, Jean Valjean stole bread when he was starving and was sent to prison,  When he was released, he was given the chance to stay overnight with a clergyman. During the night, Valjean stole the church silver and fled.  When the police brought him back the next morning, climing Valjean said the silver was a gift, the clergyman lied and said it was. He told Valjean to use the silver to make himself an honest man. For the first time in his life, he felt touched by an angel. He went out into the world and never saw the clergyman again.

Valjean is transformed by forgiveness and detective Javert spends his life trying to persecute him for past wrongs.  When Valjean shows grace to Javert, the detective is unable to cope and can find no corresponding forgiveness.  Valjean teaches me to do for others what they're unable to do for themselves.  Troubled people have a hard time with forgiveness because they've never learned.  You may grow to act as a saving grace.  Then, someone will oneday return the favor.

Personally, forgiveness isn't always easy for me.  Letting someone get away with dishonesty, malicious or harmful deeds without reprimand isn't exactly satisfying.  Injustice bugs me yet, then I remind myself that when I forgive, the negative energy loses its grip on me.  Whether or not earthly or Higher authorities deal with a situation as I would like, its not for me to decide.  When I let the burden of acting as judge disappear, I rethink scales of justice and mercy.  That's another kind of grace.  Perhaps guradian angels instill positive thoughts in our hearts and minds in order to influence our will and attitude toward good.