Never have your cat stuffed

Ever dream about the fate of a missing neighborhood cat? About ten years after high school graduation, I stumbled on an old friend hitch-hiking along a road. I was visiting the area and my family. My girlfriend and I picked him up. He didn't look exactly how I'd remembered him, but it's not something we mentioned aloud.

During the ride, we caught up. He explained how joining a traveling band had influenced him to change his lifestyle and experiment deeper into drugs. His addiction and ensuing financial issues had also led him to a stint in prostitution. Falling ill after his lover died had nearly brought him to the end of his rope. At the time, I thought my life was risky?

As I listened to this friend, I had the distinct impression that people often have enough to live by, but don't always discover some enduring meaning and purpose for which they live. Even if circumstances didn't seem to be evolving in this guy's favor, he took a risk to take responsibility for emotional and financial survival. He chose to reach out and create a new sense of meaning.  He had an "aha" experience where he decided he'd take the risk to figure himself out. In essence, he became aware of what could be done to rectify his difficulties and set about it.

How did he discern meaning where it had been missing before? He began to uncover a hierarchy of values in himself. He decided to face aspects of his past he couldn't change and grow beyond that. He decided not to let himself be broken by what had happened. He had learned how to suffer. He had learned how to make excuses for doing what made him feel bad. He evolved from blaming himself and seeing himself as a victim in his life, to becoming responsible for understanding and overcoming his own guilt. Such was apparently a long journey. As it was, so was that drive. 

From what I gather, this guy's growth continues and he's learning a lot. The last thing he told me was, "never have your cat stuffed." I replied, "excuse me?" He simply said it was a commemorative thing he had done during 'his tougher times.'   More recently, he had removed it from his wall. I sputtered, "I didn't know you had had a cat?" He curiously replied that he hadn't. I asked him no more questions.

Corrupted offers

Perhaps you've been negotiating with the aim of improving your circumstances.  You're willing to risk what you have or where you are, in favor of hopefully getting something better.  If you find yourself willing to compromise, that could be the difference between sensing real progress and getting nowhere.  Yet, the idea of jeopardizing not getting any perceived positive result may tempt you to consider corrupt offers, which would entail going against your principles and accepting or overlooking dishonest practices.  Consider this points while contemplating your next move:

1) Is your tactic a survival strategy?  If you're willing to compromise your self-respect or beliefs, then its important to consider the reasoning and prospective consequences.  Do you have reason to feel threatened? You may not be compensated enough to sell yourself short or sell yourself out.  You may have new options.  After all, the other person may have something to hide.  If you have been asked to compromise your beliefs, then you may have reason to question the basis for the other person's position.  S/He may be 'upping the ante' as part of his own survival strategy.

2) Would you be better off avoiding the situation? Some individuals aren't intentionally cruel, but they may be unaware of the impact and effect of their words and behaviour.  The absense of unintentional cruelty doesn't negate the effect their behavior has.  If you don't have to negotiate with this individual or need not accept their terms, you may be better off taking a new route.

3) What can you learn from the other person's offer?  Only you can define what is reasonable in any negotiation.  Consider the power dynamic.  Bullies may be people who feel disempowered or insecure, and only feel superior when they take steps to walk over others.  Ask yourself what you can learn about the other person if you take the risk to decline their offer.  A hypocrite may express concern if you turn down his offer.  The issue worth noting is this person isn't concerned about you.  Rather, he may be concerned about the implications of not being taken seriously. 

4) Would it be advisable to let time pass?  You may feel like you could strengthen your position if you had more time to collect new information.  Whenever possible, its wiser to take more informed risks.  The pain or frustration, and foreseeable costs of prolonging an uncomfortable or unresolved situation, must be weighed against the potential benefits of fully present and empowered. At a later time, you may decide you're ready to take the risk or, decide its not in your interest and be more certain of your reasons why.

5)  Can you measure the limits of honesty?  Even with the best intentions, you may not grasp what compels people to stop "playing it straight."  Reality is the world is filled with hypocrisy, ulterior motives, lies and agendas.  People will 'bend the rules' because they feel they can get away with it.  They will stoop to levels you may not desire to follow.  Seeking to understand their motivation may be less important than dis-associating yourself before they get into big trouble.  Taking the risk of becoming implicated in legal or other areas of corruption is reason to move away.

Face the music

On some level, each individual dreams of being an artist with limitless creative energy. Yet, many people prevent themselves from discovering and expressing their energy. Rather than learn the laws of life and inner balance and make choices to promote a sense of completeness, many people make decisions that don't embrace the source of their energy. How many people do you know who permit themselves to openly express what they think and feel without prejudice?

One reason why people hesitate to take risks involved is because they would have to look deep within themselves and face the music. Each of us would have to be willing to confront whatever we have refused to admit or acknowledge, whatever difficult situations or memories we have been ignoring. Only be embracing all emotions you experience, and learning to understand them, will you learn to accept even hidden or dormant parts of yourself. By choosing to explore this process, you will begin to connect with your true essence. As you build courage, you realize why you wouldn't ultimately like to settle for devoting yourself to anything else.

I know a politician who has developed impressive magician skills during his spare time. Although he will rent out his services intermittently for children's birthday parties and other events, he has not yet developed the confidence or initiative to promote his talent further or to develop other avenues. He prefers to spend most of his spare time learning new magic tricks to deceive his friends in jest. He hasn't yet taken his creative juices seriously, so as to focus his energies where his heart is.

I know a businessman stuck in a rut in a tech industry, who is also a thrill-seeker and adventure sport enthusiast. Although he has an extrovert personality, and the practical potential to build a new outdoor business, he refuses to swallow his pride. His mindset perpetuates a vicious circle of deepening problems. He hasn't yet realized that transferable skills he has gained and lessons he could learn would be well-suited to establishing new goals and taking new risks.

I met a taxi driver who nurtures an interest in carpentry work, and has taken some of his products to weekend markets. Reception has been positive, but he is shy and lacks faith in his abilities. He often wonders what his life would like if he was able to focus only on the primary source of his creative inspiration. He doesn't realize his self-defeating attitude holds him back. He hasn't developed trust in himself to explore real demand for his skills in building industries or other places. Nonetheless, he designs new creations to nurture a dream whenever he awaits his next fare.

I know a woman who has the ability to sing beautifully, but her mathematics degree led her to pursue a predictable career in teaching. Although competent and comfortable in a classroom, her fear of standing in front of large audiences has convinced her she could never pursue a musical career. Her embarassment has relegated her to singing talent in the shower, in the car, in parks, in cemeteries or, wherever she feels convinced she is alone.

Such examples remind us all that changing the way we regard our perceived talents and attitude, can change the way we value ourselves and our potential. Each of us has the power to transform our lives and the world with what we can offer, providing we don't convince ourselves that we can't. Realize that less value is found in holding onto unfulfilling lives than in devoting yourself to realizing dreams. How do you feel?

Step away from self-sabotage

How far would you go to live your dreams? What risks do you contemplate? A sense of insecurity may cause you to avoid risks. Ask yourself why you hesitate to discover yourself. Drifting around in defeat and failure doesn't have to define your future. What looks like a mistake, isn't really a mistake at all. It's all in how you interpret it, what you choose to learn. Your family history may include serious physical illness, depression, addictions, negativity, disaster or 'wrong' choices. This track record doesn't mean you must forever identify with pain or failure. You aren't your relatives. Step away from self-sabotage. You define yourself through your own risks.

Consider the story of Santiago Munez. As an illegal Mexican-American immigrant, he worked as a gardener with his father to pay bills. His father repeatedly told Santiago he wasn’t capable of doing anything meaningful with his life and that he would always be underprivileged. When he was offered the chance of a lifetime, he chose to leave his family, his struggling life in Los Angeles and everything he knew to travel to England to a totally foreign world. His determination and belief in himself led him to exhilarating, fast-paced international soccer areans. He rose to be a star.

Consider the story of a Costa Rican boy who grew up with 17 siblings in a small apartment with a drug addicted mom. At age 15, he left for the U.S. with an older brother. About a year later, then living on the street, this 16 year old boy grew into one of the most violent gang leaders in New York’s history. At one point, a brave priest approached him to attend a church meeting. The boy reacted with ridicule. He took his gang to church, intending to disrupt the service. Yet, instead, he was moved beyond measure by a love and compassion he had never known. That turning point led him to become a missionary and evolve to counsel violent teens.

Consider the man who's relationship history includes three marriages and three divorces. After a bout with infidelity, another wife contracting cancer, and a quick fling and run to the chapel he'll seldom discuss, his view of good relationships has been severely damaged. Although employed with a stable income later in life, his self-esteem has progressively deteriorated. Yet, somewhere inside, he realized restlessness wasn't the answer. He realized hanging in limbo with a sense of self-defeat wasn't resulting in his desired reality. He took a hard look at himself, sought counselling, admitted accountability and clariifed his desires. Soon after, a kind woman entered his life. His new marriage is the most loving and meaningful yet.

Just because previous attempts to get what you wanted didn't work out, doesn't mean all is lost. You could be from a dysfunctional background, or maybe you've done things you aren't proud of. Even though you think you've repeatedly messed up, if you keep faith in your abilities, you nuture hope. If you aren't blaming the past, you may blame yourself. The only person who holds a grudge is you. You may know divorce, bankruptcy, even illegal acts. Your past choices don't have to define how you proceed from here. You decide whether you'll risk a new path. Isolate and reverse any self-defeating thoughts prevent you from doing what you aim to do.

Reach out for guidance. Learn how to put your hopes up. A positive, hopeful frame of mind will encourage you to take risks to lead a more fulfilling life. You have as many chances as you're willing to give yourself. As you give yourself another chance, you won't change the past, but you can ressurect your dreams and pursue them with new vigor. Move beyond disappointments and situations that discouraged you. You have a destiny. No matter what your perceived setbacks, you can rise above them.

End your confusion

Confusion is explained by the sources of your fear. In order to end confusion, you must take steps to explore your inner self and learn not to be afraid. Doing new things entails risk. Fear is the reason for all experiences you create or avoid, the risks you're afraid to take and the risks you're afraid not to take. What kinds of illusions do you devise to convince yourself taking a chance wouldn't be worth it? You may be the sort of person who would choose to isolate yourself to preserve and protect the person you think you are. Yet, part of you fears to remain that way or you wouldn't contemplate change.

What if I told you that the very things you devise in your mind are the kinds of experiences you'll get? That is, if you choose to fear the consequences of taking a risk, you will either take the risk and suffer the consequences you imagine, or avoid the risk altogether and suffer results of that. If you're convinced you'll experience uncomfortable or undesirable things, then you invite them in. At the same time, the opposite is also true. Envisage positive developments and they will materialize.

As you evolve to be willing to take risks, this reflects new self-awareness and desire to confront fear. It is also an indication of maturity and eagerness to learn. Each of us can act to gain a clearer sense of our perceived abilities, what we think we can do, and what we hope to do. This is itself a learning process. At different stages of your life, your thinking and perception may differ. Every tentative feeling is a mark of underlying fear that we can evolve to admit and confront in order to move forward. Do you feel really confused yet?

You have many options that encourage your personal growth and development of emotional intelligence. Some people attend school or participate in conferences and meetings. Other people choose to meditate. You may start by simply making new choices about how you'll view issues or obstacles in your life. If you're serious and commit to learn what it takes to understand risks and how you feel about them, you can reach out to people and resources to find assistance wherever you are.

To end your confusion, begin by acknowledging when and why you harbour fear inside. Fear doesn't have to be seen as a negative emotion. Why not choose instead to consider it as a stepping stone to healing and greater fulfillment? Fear is an outlet through which you can vent and release negative thoughts, self-doubt and destructive energy. That makes it a very positive thing. It enables you to rid yourself of negative energy and emotions, and better understand yourself. You have incentive to learn to deal with confusion and the fear that lies behind it. You'll evolve to live a more meaningful life and feel ready to take risks that enrich all you are.