Staying power

Notice the conditions and relationships that have staying power or longevity in your life.  What keeps them in your scope or focus of attention?  What solidifies a bond between friends or partners and convinces them to 'stick it out' even when circumstances are difficult? What keeps certain people connected?

"The prospect of growing old together," admit one middle-aged couple.

"The loneliness I see among mature singles around me," replies one married man.

"We give each other strength," admits a female partner of 10 years.

"The joys of our children and grandchildren," explain grandparents.

"Shared values," notes a married woman.

You hear about financial troubles, serious illness, workaholism and other hurtful habits or activities, and yet, people who choose to stay connected somehow recognize how trivial many of their trials, disagreements or concerns really are.  They talk things out and let go.  They learn how not to hold grudges.  Instead, they focus on what brought them together.  They reminisce about how and why they overcame problems in the past. 

Couples that stay together through hardship learn it enables them to grow stronger and build trust. They learn the value of apology and forgiveness in and work through destructive, negative thoughts and feelings.  Healthier relationships are those where partners find ways to face the truth about themselves and also evolve together. A shared vision, a willingness to listen to each other, can lead to a relationship with staying power.  People will often offer you advice about your life.  Evaluate it thoroughly from your perspective. You are accountable for your decisions. Depend on yourself. Have faith in yourself. Share your intuitive views and see what feels right.

How to stop overthinking

Overthinking occurs when you have a hard time turning off your mind. Worry and anxiety creep in. All those 'what ifs' capture your attention.  You anticipate how things could go wrong, and how you could respond to unforeseen situations. Overthinking reflects you judge and self-criticize what you have already done and you justify why.

As you read this, you may know what its like to have thoughts run wild and wonder what to do about it.  They compel you to re-examine actions you have already taken and those you wonder if you should. You may question whether you said the right thing, wonder how people interpreted your behaviour. You may keep going over and over decisions, questioning your own motives and what is best for you or others involved.

Consider your tendency to overthink based on how you reply to these questions:

In terms of dating: Why did I wear that outfit? Why was my make-up smudged? Why didn't he look my way? What must she think of me? What must his/ her friends think? Where can we go that would be impressive? How do I know if I said the wrong thing?

In terms of relationships: What will my spouse say when s/he finds out what I have done? What could my friends/ in-laws think of my choice? How can I be sure they will understand my point of view? Why are they not phoning/ including me?

In terms of body-image: Why does the mirror make me look so fat/ skinny? Where does all the acne come from?  Who actually calls these marks beauty spots? How can wrinkles be taken as laugh lines? Why do I keep gaining weight when I exercise/ eat right/ am always on a diet? Whay am I never satisfied about how I look?

In terms of depression:  How isolated did I feel? What could explain this prolonged loneliness? Why did s/he leave me?Why am I unmotivated? Why am I having trouble concentrating? Why do I feel restless and sluggish? How long does this post-natal depression thing last? Can how I feel be labelled depression?

In terms of work: Why aren't I capable of coping with my job/ schedule and family responsibilities? Why am I not living up to expectations? When will I pull myself together? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I get over it? When should I go back to work? Why are they asking me to rethink my role as a stay-at home parent?

As you realize you are overthinking, notice the messages about self-worth, self-love and acceptance that speak to you. Notice whether you are allowing fear and ego to control you.  Notice your word choices and how they may disempower you. You actually have choices about which words to use and which thoughts to think.

As an exercise to see what overthinking is inviting you to see about yourself, write 5 phrases relevant to your situation. What do you over-analyze? Write down the feelings that stand out about each phrase (i.e. fear, self-doubt, etc.) Notice if they feel positive or negative. Now, rather than assume something negative happened or will, assume positive things. Know how you think is shaped by your feelings and whether you focus on the future. Fear only exists there. It cannot exist in the present moment.

As you recognize you tend to over analyze people and situations, this is inviting you to step back and learn about yourself. To notice overthinking acknowledges discomfort about something inside. As you look deeper to discover why, you can tailor your strategies to curtail or stop it.  Why do you do the things you do? Maybe some of these resonate with you? If not, reflect on other possible reasons. Jot those down and reflect.

a) Indecisiveness/ low self-confidence (unsure what you want)
b) Strong sense of entitlement (ego success-driven)
c) Never satisfied/ perfectionistic
d) Seek approval & acceptance / fear disapproval & rejection 
e) Diagnosed with psychological/ psychiatric illness

What if every reason you could possibly give to explain why you over-analyze brings you back to a plea for love? What if everything invites you to be more aware of how you can love Self and others unconditionally?  One perspective is every experience invites you to love yourself more and see yourself as you really are. To overthink suggests you choose to focus on fear rather than love, and you can shift attention anytime.

"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It`s a death trap." -Anthony Hopkins

The unseen and intangible

What is it that causes you to take chances in your life? When you choose to risk losing something that means a lot to you, this requires courage. Your sixth sense may warn you of impending dangers in enough time to avoid them. Then again, you may not heed warnings of your inner voice, or even notice them, and then, taking risks may end up harming you.

What enables you to sense opportunities on the horizon? You may get good vibes after speaking with someone or you may simply develop an attitude that a great career change is around the corner. This kind of positive feeling may motivate you to impulsively attend a casting or submit a resume to a senior manager over an impromptu lunch.

You may reply that unseen and intangible signs enable you to uncover elements of faith.  You may imitate individuals you admire who have taken chances and succeeded along their own paths. Although you may study cause and effect, and gain insight into the spirit of positive thinking, only understanding of your own patterns and characteristics enables you to see the difference between thinking and feeling the nature of a risk. Thinking is grounded in fear. Feeling is guided by love. Notice when you think with the head or feel with the heart.

At some stage, you no longer judge yourself.  So, you come to see everything as experience with the same opportunities to love and accept yourself fully of not.  Now all you do is trust.

Gotta have impatience

Patience, like time, is a commodity in great demand.  Impatience is experiencing an epidemic.   Many people make much ado about 'little things,' about where they're not, and don't take advantage of what's right in front of them. If this sounds familiar, you'd benefit from reviewing why you're impatient. Why not rethink how you could make more effective use of your time? 

If you drive a car, you've heard a horn blowing behind you when you're in no position to go anywhere. How does this help the honker? What about the person who accelerates past you only to stop at the red light just ahead? And, then, the driver does the same thing to be stopped at the next intersection.  These drivers don't necessarily feel better when they vent steam. They only annoy you if you let them, but they still get nowhere fast. Which driver sounds like you?

If you go into a shop, and nobody serves you, and you wish to get going somewhere else, how does that make you feel to be ignored? Perhaps you feel the world should revolve around you when it doesn't. People aren't often mind-readers. Is that fair? Could you invite this treatment?  Wherever you work, are you more attentive to the clock and the prospect of leaving than dealing with taks at hand? Consider the kinds of pleasures and useful learning you're missing.

If your boss tells you to stop what you're doing and to perform another task when it doesn't really need to be done right away, this may stress you out. Your boss may be impatient and may also wish to take advantage of the authority he or she has over you.  Or, you may exaggerate how difficult the situation really is. Why might you be impatient to do what you think is a priority?

What is about wishing that certain experiences were already over so we can get on with something else? Yet, we don't take the time to enjoy what happens as it does.  Kids often dress as grown ups and wish they had the privileges that adults have, like staying up late.  Then as adults, we wish to go to be earlier or relive parts of our childhood, but we are taught to be too serious.

What about traits of your partner or close friends who drive you bonkers? They may be impatient for you to get yourself together so they can get on with things. Or, you may be impatient for someone to get ready when that person often makes you late. How could you react differently?

Impatience is a quality that creeps up when we least expect it. Why sputter explatives? Does this make us feel better or have we been conditioned to think we have to react in a particular way?  Consider what life would be like if you learned to enjoy being stuck in traffic, if you saw being forced to postpone some of your own plans as a blessing, if you could see impatience as a teacher meant to temper your passions, if you could see advantages you didn't initially recognize. As you decide you wish to better understand and improve yourself, you love whatever happens. 

Retirement goals

Each of us knows family or friends who are approaching and experiencing retirement. You may even be living this kind of life transition yourself. What is it about goals that change over time? This is only natural when your physical, emotional and other abilities are evolving too. Know that whenever somethign seems to end, somethign else is beginning.

I know a man who fears not finding enough to do during his retirement. To ensure he keeps busy, he collects boxes of old papers and electric items past their prime, with the intention of sorting and repairing. This man certainly has more than enough to do to fill his perceived time.  Still, he fears what retirement represents: change of routine, a loss of professional identity, apparent aging, thoughts he makes less of a contribution to society and is then less valued. Does this ring true for you?

Everyone is invited to realize lif continues as long as you allow it. Notice whether you see who you are is reflected in what you do. In truth, nothing that is changing actually reveals who you are but only points to it. Imagine what life feels like as you sense that everything is helping you accept yourself as you are.

I know another man who retired in his thirties because of achieving financial freedom. From that moment on, he decided to focus his time on training for elite triathalon competitions and assisting other people to achieve financial freedom. He chose to see retirement as an opportunity to better himself, physically, emotionally, that he had nothing to lose to work hard to get there and everything to gain.  He embraces each day and sees it as filled with new opportunities.

I know a woman who doesn't plan to retire until her health gives out. She takes high blood pressure medication and often puffs when she climbs the stairs. She collects movies with plans to watch most of them during retirement, yet she has little time now and feels too many people need her services to let them down. She works full time and cares for her two aged parents. Her goals are to accomplish as much as she for as many people as she can in the time she's got.

I know another man who retired from a career in the church in his 50s in order to put his experience to use as a counsellor.  He chose to begin a second career, fall in love, get married and have a family.  When he outlived his wife, he married again. He also encouraged himself to write a book to help others. He continues to visit friends and keeps busy to stay motivated.  Among his goals, he would like to live long enough to know his first grandchild.

I know a woman who's hospital staff colleagues gave her a retirement going away part and a ticket for a cruise.  When she returns from the trip with her husband, she'll decide what's next.

I know another man who is still working well into his seventies because he can't afford to retire. He doesn't receive a pension.  Throughout his life, he lived from paycheck to paycheck and never learned how to save.  In fact, sometimes he spent more than he earned.  His children grew up and moved away and his wife died already. Now he has to fend for himself.

When it comes to your retirement goals, you benefit from defining what you desire and by a specific timeline.  If time is the commodity you seek more of, it makes sense to plan what you would do with it so you'll be prepared.  When you ask other people or society for what you want in the form of opportunities, they may not simply hand these things over.  You need to be ready to act and also make sacrifices. 

Retirement is then, a state of mind that embraces life transitions with grace and gratitude.  As you reflect, this may represent more time to do those things you've always wanted to do or more time on the golf course.  It may mean you simply decide how to re-organize your time in ways that give you new purpose. Know purpose is always evolving with you. To nourish a zest for life means you life life to the fullest regardless of what you do and for how long.  You stop measuring and focus on enjoying.