Be Ordinary

Notice the moment is here or the busy mind hijacks attention. The mind is goal-oriented, oscillating between past and future. The mind is not here. Being present is the most ordinary state. The mind has no present tense and cannot grasp what is beyond its scope. When presence happens, it is unrelated to the individual. Purpose is a human created idea. Nature has no purpose. The sun, moon, stars, trees, vegetaion, creatures, flowing oceans, are no means to an end, but simply are. To be present is nothing special. No superior or inferior exist. Relax. Struggle falls away.  Being here now is all that is real.

25 Questions to help get Clarity in a Relationship

If you are confused about your relationship, whether its moving forward, stagnating or even if you have one at all, you may benefit from getting more clarity.  

Clarity in relationships means a situation where both partners are on the same wavelength, have mutual understandings of the purpose of spending time together.  The need for clarity arises if either partner is unsure of the direction a relationship is heading. Its helpful if confusion is addressed. 

The major way to ask for clarity in relationships is to have a genuine and open talk with your partner. You both need to be clear on what you want in the relationship and how the other party can contribute.   Clarity is important because it is one of the best ways to open your eyes to several things you might have ignored. You need to know if you both see the relationship in the same way. Getting clarity will help you know where to improve or if action can be taken for mutual benefit.  Consider 25 questions to help you find clarity:

1. How often do I doubt my relationship?

Identify how often this thought crosses your mind. Does it cause insomnia, and are you looking to find solutions to unanswered questions? Be deliberate. Query about your relationship. 

2. Is there a pattern?

Another way to gain clarity in relationships is by asking yourself if there is a noticeable pattern in your own behaviour or theirs. This might explain why you are having doubts about your partner. 

3. Do we agree on the status of our ‘relationship’?

Two partners must be aware of the nature of a friendship or evolving relationship to consciously play their roles and allow the union work.  Are you both of you are working towards a common goal?

4. Is history repeating?

Do you notice that some things that happened in your previous relationships occur in the present one? If this is so, (i.e. fear of commitment) you need to find out what is truly going on. 

5. Do I feel safe?

A key question to ask yourself about your relationship is if you feel safe or not. Providing answers to these questions will help you understand if some behaviors should not be condoned.

6. Are we willing to compromise?

If you want to know the level of commitment, you can gain clarity by finding out if you and your partner are ready to compromise. The basis of compromising is stepping out of your comfort zone.

7. Can I count on my partner for support?

When you are in a relationship, you should rely on your partner for support, irrespective of the circumstances. If you are looking for how to ask for clarity, knowing where your partner stands when it comes to supporting you is crucial. If your partner is always available for you, or simply shows up intermittently at his/her convenience, this means two different things. Do you feel like a priority?

8. Is my relationship adversely affecting my self-esteem?

Another way to gain clarity in your relationship is to find out if your overall self-esteem is affected or not. You need to be brutally honest. If you always feel good about yourself and the relationship, then the union might be something you want to continue.

9. Is my relationship preventing my growth?

The goal of any healthy relationship is to grow together with your partner. There is something wrong if one of the partners is not growing in different aspects of their lives. The right partner will ensure you grow and succeed in everything you do. If you are not growing, your partner might not have your best interests at heart.

10. Do our major goals align?

One of the reasons you might not have gotten clarity in your relationship is that your goals do not align with your partner’s. Do you know your own goals? Do you know theirs? This may be an invitation to reflect here.

For instance, some major goals in relationships are relocation, children, career, marriage, pets, spirituality, ect. For your relationship to work and stand the test of time, you need to be sure you and your partner agree here.

11. Does it excite you to see your partner? 

You need to ask yourself important questions like “am I happy to see my partner?” Knowing the answer to this question helps you to know if your relationship excites you or not. In a healthy relationship, partners will always be happy to see each other when they meet.  This means that despite what they are facing, the thought of having a partner gives a sense of fulfillment.

12. Where do I see my partner and me in a few years from now?

Another way on how to get clarity in a relationship is knowing where you and your partner will be in some years and if the both of you will still be together or not. Knowing the answer to this question allows you to focus on other areas of life. If you don’t feel your partner has staying power, the relationship may not be worth keeping.

13. Am I ready to change?

Does it look difficult or easy for you to change some things for your partner? If you are not ready to be accommodating and understanding in some aspects, then it means your relationship is not rock-solid. 

14. Is the communication between us smooth?

Communication is beyond the regular conversations you have with your partner. It involves how the both of you make plans to achieve a common goal, even if it is to resolve a conflict. Are you someone who likes texts and written messages? Is your partner mor of a gift giver of time, energy and objects? Unsure whether your understand each other? The 5 Love Languages book may help. 

16. Do you feel free to express yourself when your partner is around?

Have you noticed how you behave anytime you are around your partner?   It can give you a pointer to know if you like who you are around them. When you are with your partner, you should feel secure and happy to express your ideas, emotions, and thoughts. If you don’t feel delighted and safe around them, it is a sign that the relationship is not healthy for you.

17. Do you and your partner trust each other?

Trust is one of the core building ingredients of a healthy relationship. To ask for clarity in relationship, you need to find out the level of trust between you and your partner. Both of you have to be sure that you will keep each other in mind when making critical decisions and avoid being selfish.

18. Is there respect in your relationship?

When it comes to finding out relationship clarity, one of the things to check is if there is respect in the union. Showing respect comes with honoring your partner. It means you will always note that they are an integral part of your life, and you will not demean them.

19. Have you spoken about romance?

To truly gain insight into your present relationship status, this is one of the questions you need to ask yourself. If you and your partner have not told each other “I love you” , it might be that the relationship, it may cross your mind to explore this.

20. Are you or your partner sacrificial in the relationship?

One of the ways to know that your partner is rooting for you is when they go out of their way to do something for you. Have you or your partner made some huge sacrifices that came with many demands? If this has barely happened in your relationship, it means you have a lot of work to do.

21. Do you feel threatened by people who admire your partner?

How do you feel when you learn that some people are into your partner? Do you feel secure that nothing will happen, or do you always feel agitated that your partner will cheat on you?   Any feeling you have when other people find your partner attractive determines the state of your relationship.

22. Do you love spending time with your partner’s loved ones?

When you are in a relationship with someone, you have an important duty to keep close relations with those close to your partner. However, if you don’t feel comfortable being around your partner’s family and friends, something might be wrong with your relationship.

23. Can you call your partner your best friend?

One of the ways to find clarity in relationships is if you see your partner as your best friend. Having your partner as your best friend is mostly advised when it comes to relationships. They should display certain attributes that will make you rely on them and call them your best friend.

24. Are you keeping a secret from your partner, or are they keeping one from you?

Do you feel your partner is hiding something from you, and they don’t want to spill it? Usually, you can detect this by watching any behavior they recently started displaying. Such behaviors might be propelled by something you are hiding. 

25. When last did you discuss the future together?

To gain clarity in relationships, look back at the last time the both of you had a serious discussion about the future. Planning for the future regularly with your partner helps you know what to look forward to. If you rarely talk about the future together, something might be wrong with your relationship.

Another step to find clarity in relationships is to find out the deal breaker in your union. Is there anything your partner would do that can make you walk out of the relationship? You need to be clear on the boundaries in your relationship that come with some repercussions if they are crossed.

If you have been confused about the state of your relationship, use the questions mentioned in this piece as a yardstick to measure how your relationship is going.

Awaken to cosmic magi

(Art by JR Slattum - www.threyda.com)

Notice if my present day self was to converse with myself 5 or 10 years ago, I would have said, " I know you are living the best life you can, but you are missing some big pieces of a puzzle. You are not only a danger to self but also others. Yes, you are in an illusory world of your own making. In time, it will all crumble."

And so it did. From the moment my deeper unravelling began, I cannot express the words or process, but something unique and life changing happened in my perception of this world. It emerged and accelerated to the point that not only unleashed all I am, but a new version of all that is. New realities blew the mind. Funny, the most earth-shattering revelations unfold during the darkest period.

Turns out, awakening is happening whether we detect it or not. The pace it happens to and through us and the experiences that unfold are shaped by our allowing and resistance Whether we believe it or not, the moment of truth will come for each of us. We all have dormant knowing. Only as we stop can we see.

We are all already all that we are, yet those who seek remember. I cannot deny the impact of the dark night of the soul. I encounter others along the way and we all access cosmic magic. As for those who love and support me, whether asleep or awake, shifts and changes are undeniable. Only level of consciousness differs.

Unknown to some, my cosncious choices activate a vibration of deep knowing in them too, and the domino effect continues. As you come to realize who and what you are, and the veil is lifted, the lies, the mis-conditioning, the illusion and the physical want of the human flesh for form is revealed, life cannot feel same.

Peace and harmony echo core knowing. Awake is then- You, I, We and All. Suffering and chains of mind dissolve, attachment to matter, thought and physical self. Freedom is. One knows what is always here. It need not be earned or achieved.The quest or seeking simply ends as light illuminates within.

Nisagardatta Maharaj echoes: The unreal was never born and the real cannot die.We redefine lucid as we awaken in our own dream. Light, love and Consciousness echo all that is eternal and divine. The rest dissolves from view.

Move beyond your own Resistance

Notice nothing stands in the way of the unfolding of who we are in this physical reality except the nature of our own resistance. Spirituality is part of every soul destiny. We grow, expand into an intergrated version of Truth at unique rates.  At some stage it dawns we cannot simply live vicariously through, mimic or truly grow another's experiences. We must navigate our own alchemical journey.

Some still ask whether human lives are predestined, whether we have any control. Truth is, this is not a personal problem, it is a philosophical question. Our lives are both predestined and not. This applies to all. On some level, everything is predetermined. Whatever is physical in us, material, mental, is predetermined. Yet, something within also untouchable, unpredictable. That something is the nature and flow of consciousness.

Thing is, if we identify with the body and material existence, in the same proportion we are determined, limited by cause and effect. Yet, if we are not identified with material existence, with either body or mind – if we feel self as something separate, different, beyond and transcendent to body-mind – then that consciousness is not predetermined. It is spontaneous, free.

Many people seek to prolong experiences of freedom in the physical world, and wonder why such feelings do not last. Matter implies slavery. Thus, much depends on how we define ourselves and live our lives. If we believe, ”I am only the body,” then everything about us is completely predetermined, beyond our control. If we say that man is only the body, we cannot say that man is not predetermined. If we feel we are just a material existence, then true freedom is not possible. Those who do not believe in such a thing as consciousness believe in fate. Matter means that which cannot be free. It must flow in the chain of cause and effect.

Yet, one who has known consciousness has known freedom. Consciousness itself means freedom. Only a spiritual person can harness the energy of freedom to consciously co-create. Once someone has tasted consciousness, enlightenment, s/he is completely out of the realm of cause and effect. He becomes absolutely unpredictable. He exists in the moment as the flow.

For many, human existence is simply a chain of events in which every step follows the past. Living in this vibration implies the future is not really future, but a by-product of the past. It is only the past determining, shaping, formulating and conditioning the future. That is why the future is predictable.

Some say a HU-man is as predictable as anything else. The only difficulty is that we have not yet devised the means to know the complete human history (total past). It is said that the moment we know, we can predict everything about humanity. Yet, if one being in the whole history of mankind is free and unpredictable, then man as a whole is potentially free and unpredictable. The whole possibility of freedom depends on seeing ourselves as more than a body.

So, if you are just an outward flow of life, then everything is determined. What about the inner? Do not offer a predictable reply. Do not say, ”I am the soul.” If we feel nothing exists inside, then be honest. Honesty will be the first step toward the inner freedom of consciousness. To go deeply inside, it hits everything is just an extension of the outside. That is, the body, thoughts have come from without, even your self has been defined by others. We are taught to adopt labels, beliefs, experience and do so unless energy shifts occur to change it.

To fear external opinion comes from the belief that the external is completely in control of the self, that we hold no power or sovereignty. If the external can trigger us, this implies we are still at least partly in the vibration of ego self, body, thoughts given to by others. This implies we are simply layers of outside ideas. If identified with the personality that arises from others, then everything is determined. How to move beyond this?

Be aware of everything that comes from the outside and come to a place where we are non-identified with it. The moment arises when the outside boundary dissolves. A vacuum arises. This vacuum is the passage between the outside and the inside, the door. We are so afraid of the vacuum, of being empty that we cling to the outside accumulation of ideas. One has to be brave enough to disidentify with the accumulation and to remain in the vacuum. Until courage is found, we cling and fill self with it.

Another view of being in this vaccuum is meditation. As we find courage to be in this moment, through breathing, meditation or other spiritual practie, soon our whole being will automatically turn inward. When urge to attach fades, our being turns inward. At this point, something dawns that transcends all we have been thinking self to be. Now we are no longer becoming; we are being, we are that. This being is free; nothing can determine it. It is absolute freedom. No chain of cause and effect is possible. This is the still point of consciousness.

Reprogram the Mind

Notice options exist to consciously reprogram the mind:

1) Do your best to accept others. What we see in others is simply an external manifestation of their program. In this way, they are no different from us, except for programs & levels of awareness.  What annoys us and what we dislike/ hate about others is our own reflection. Everything is a mirror.

2) Accept thyself. Know our actions arise from our mind. Know our inability to accept self fully causes our suffering. To accept the self, is to alleviate one's own suffering.

3) Watch habitual reactions to people and environments. Attachment to the external can lead to discontentment.  Let it go.

4) Identify your greatest needs, attachments, and desires. Trace causes of present anger & unhappiness to source. Triggers help us to recognize and release emotional hang-ups.

5) Be present. See planning as part of being in the now, not the future. Enjoy every action. Savour being alive. Be the best version of yournself in this moment.

6) Know you are not your body, not your mind or emotions. Spirit and soul are having a human experience. Our consciousness is the part of us that sees all events. As we purify mind, we begin to identify with consciousness not body-mind.

7) Be open and direct with feelings as much as possible.  Remember everyone has potential to gain higher levels of awareness. Present attitudes are often caused by conditioning. Do our best to see the potential for good in all people.

9) Do not avoid difficult situations. We are taught to ignore or postpone sources of discomfort. Yet it is they who can show us most clearly how our mental programming works. As we make the unconscious conscious, then we are aware and can shift it.

10) Imagine yourself in other people's shoes. Deepen understanding of self through gifts of other people's behaviour, all this shows U.